Be Without You?

The shift finally ended and I was exhausted.  I was happy with the tips I had made, but I was sure I couldn’t do this all the time.  When I got back to my locker my phone was almost dead.  Joel had been calling and texting.  The last message read that he was booking a flight out and would be there as soon as possible. I was half relieved and half angry.  I knew I couldn’t keep him from the loft, I gave him a key.  But I could not be there when he got there right?!  I shook my head at that reasoning, C’mon Bella you aren’t twelve!  Big girl panties and face it head on!

I was off the next day since I worked a double, so I decided to stop and get a bottle of white wine to take home with the dinner the cook prepared me.  When I got home it was so cold and empty.  It wasn’t the bright place I had left earlier in the day.  I walked in and turned on the lights, set my dinner down on the counter with the wine and went and got changed.  I decided sexy comfortable in booty shorts and a white tank.  I put my meal on a plate in the microwave and put the wine in the fridge.  I turned on the TV and put on A League of Their Own.  I needed a little girl power movie to get me out of my funk. 

I uncorked the wine and poured myself a single glass.  Grabbed a fork and pulled out my dinner from the microwave.  I sat down at the coffee table and picked at the meal in front of me and sipped my wine.  I was enjoying the movie more than the food.  So I paused the movie and put the food in the fridge.  I grabbed a blanket and pillow from my room and snuggled into the couch.  I finished my wine and snuggled into my pillow, and must’ve fallen asleep. 

I awoke the next morning in my bed, but I don’t remember how I got there.  I was on the couch....I walked out to the living room and found Joel asleep on the couch.  I smiled that he was a gentleman and didn’t crawl into bed with me, but then I was angry that he didn’t even wake me up when he got there.  I was such a mix of emotions, but I had to hold it together.  I walked quietly to the kitchen and put on the coffee for him and boiled the kettle for myself.  I turned on the radio and put it on softly. I always had it turned onto the R and B station and Be Without You came on the radio....fitting huh?

I started to make some breakfast for him and me.  I mean he flew all night to get to me that I figured I could at least do something nice.  I was cooking some bacon when I heard him groan, I knew he was up.  The coffee was ready and I was putting the bacon on some paper towel to drain the grease.  He wandered into the kitchen

Joel: “Hey” he said in his soft sleepy voice

Me: “Hey”

Joel: “I’m sorry about the other day.  Candice...”

I held up my hand, I needed some food and caffeine before we even tackled this subject.

Me: “You don’t owe me any explanations Joel.  You made it quite clear we weren’t going to wait for each other.   And I need some caffeine and food before we even begin to talk about her.”

Joel nodded in silence and moved over and made my tea and himself some coffee.  We moved with ease around the kitchen as he popped the toast in the toaster and I scrambled some eggs for us.  We at the breakfast island and ate.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him about Mark.  I mean it was way over, and he had Candice.  After we finished eating took the plates to the kitchen and put them in the sink.  He was leaning over the sink, I think trying to figure out what to say next.  He moved back towards me and sat in the chair and turned to face me.

Joel: “I noticed you are wearing your ring...and on your left hand.  Are you trying to tell me something?”

Me: “I hadn’t really worn it since you had left.  And well you aren’t the only one who was seeing someone though my situation is probably far worse than yours.  I am so mad at myself for getting involved in it, especially after everything I have been through.”

Joel: “Bella.....Candice is my ex.  The one I told you about.  When I got home I was actively trying to figure out how to either get you to me or me to you.  I was getting a lot of flak from the guys, they didn’t understand what the big deal was, they thought you were a ‘hit it and quit it’ situation.  And I ended up at a bar with them, and I was drunk.  She was there, and one thing led to another and....”

I held up my hand to stop him.  I didn’t want to hear anymore.

Me: “You don’t owe me any explanation.  We both agreed that we would be together when we were together, and well did I really expect you to be celibate?!  I was hurt and angry over someone else and I took it out on you and for that I apologize.”

Joel begrudgingly accepted my apology, even though he said he didn’t need to hear it.  I smiled at him and felt like we were at ease.  We sat together and he held my hand, running his thumb over the ring.  We sat in silence for a while, before I got up and went to do the dishes.  Joel came and stood beside me and dried while I washed.  We had said all we needed to say.  I told him I was tired and he agreed he was too.  We went to my bedroom and had a nap. Snuggled together tightly.  We spent the next few hours just sleeping, wrapped up in each other.  We decided to just stay in and order in Chinese and watch some Netflix.  I felt staying low key and away from alcohol would be best for us right now.

The next day I woke up and stretched out to find an empty half of the bed.  I half wondered if I was dreaming that he had come.  I got up and walked out into the living room and didn’t see him or his luggage.  I went back to bed and hugged my pillow and felt tears well up in my eyes.  Maybe I dreamed it, maybe he went back to Candice.....I closed my eyes, felt the tears roll down my face and silently cried myself back to sleep.

I don’t know how long I was asleep for, but I felt a hand lightly caress my arm.  I slowly opened my eyes and there was Joel with a single long stem rose in his hand.  I felt the tears well up in my eyes and a smile creep across my face.

Joel: “Why are you crying?”

Me: “I thought you left me.  I woke up and you weren’t here, your luggage was gone....”

Joel: “Baby I unpacked while you were sleeping and then went for a walk to clear my head, on my walk I bought this...and then I got lost.  Took me a while to find my way back.  I’m not leaving you.  But eventually we have to make a decision on what we are going to do.  It is taking me forever trying to get through the paperwork to get up here.  I don’t even know what it would take for you to come to me.  But we don’t have to decide that right now.  Right now I want to enjoy this time with you.  I love you Isabella....”

Me: “What about Candice? What are you going to do about her?”

Joel: “I told her in not so many words that it was a drunken mistake.  I hadn’t been with anyone since I left here.  I explained that you are who I want and who I need.  She didn’t take it well but she’s out of my life.”

Me: “I love you Joel.”

We made love all afternoon.  It was soft and sensual, and I loved every second of it.  But in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn’t be that simple with Candice and that despite what Joel may feel, it was probably far from over.