Prepare For the Worst or Hope For the Best?!

I stared wide eyed at Duane’s statement that Joel was driving up.  I shook my head no, in disbelief.  I checked my phone again, and still had nothing from him saying whether or not he was on his way or not.  Monroe turned the TV off and as he was coming towards me I sank to the ground.  I felt the panic rise up inside me, and the guilt of how elated I was earlier that I wouldn’t have to make any big decisions yet.  I tried to call him again but I got no answer.  Tears had welled up in my eyes as I started to believe the worst.  Duane came rushing over to me, paper bag in hand as I started to hyperventilate.   Trevor went and got a bottle of water and I was surrounded on the floor by three men. 

I kept repeating No over and over.  I wasn’t ready to let him go yet.  You know when sometimes the worst situation gives you the best insight?  I knew then and there that my feelings were genuine; I loved Joel.  I started to breathe into the bag to calm down; the panic was still welled up deep inside me but I needed to be rational and figure out what my next step was.  I needed to locate my man.  I slowly stood up and went to turn the TV back on and Monroe tried to stop me.

Me: “I need to know what’s going on; good, bad or ugly.  I can’t just sit here and stew.  If he’s down there then I am going to get to him one way or another.”

M: “Baby girl, you can’t get past the border, it’s closed both ways.  You have to wait here, we all do. I am cancelling my flight back until we know what’s going on.  Trevor you are welcome to go home if you choose, but you are also welcome to stay...”

Trevor nodded that he would stay, Monroe turned the TV volume down and we sat on the couch watching everything unfold. None of us knew what his car or truck looked like, so we had no idea if he was in the pile up or if he was safe and away from it. 

Duane: “I don’t want to sound insensitive, but maybe we should have some dinner.  We can sit here and eat, but you need your strength and well I am starving...”

Me: “Go ahead and eat all of you, I am not hungry.  But I would love a glass of wine....or a bottle with a long straw...”

M: “You can have wine if you eat dinner; you have to eat something...”

I rolled my eyes, but I knew he wouldn’t let me get drunk on an empty stomach.  I knew he was right, but I was not in the mood to be bargained with.  I got up and stormed the kitchen when Duane and Monroe blocked me in.

M: “NO! You are going to eat.  You are not doing this, I know you’re upset but you NEED to eat.  I know you didn’t eat this morning or any lunch.  Don’t try and play this down, I know you’re scared but you aren’t alone.”

As he talked to me Duane leaned against the fridge so I couldn’t get the wine out.  I leaned on the counter with my head in my hands and started to cry; big ugly crying.  Duane came to comfort me and I pushed him away and ran from the kitchen and straight into my room, slamming the door shut.  I looked around, teary eyed, at all the packing I had done.  Was it all for nothing?  I lay down in the bed and cried softly to myself while I fiddled with the promise ring that Joel had given me. 

I faintly heard the boys talking out in the living room about what to do.  They all seemed lost as to how to handle me right now.  Trevor suggested calling my mother, but that was quickly vetoed by the others; they knew she was the last person I needed to see at that moment.  She hadn’t even tried to contact me after I stood up to her, though I know Duane was keeping her updated on the situation.

There was a light knock on the door, but I didn’t answer.  I didn’t want to see anyone.  I wanted to be with Joel...and if he wasn’t there I wanted to be alone.  The knock came again but when I threw a book at the door the knocking stopped.  I started to sob quietly to myself, hoping Joel was just stuck behind the accident, but that didn’t give me any answers as to why he wasn’t answering his phone. 

I don’t remember falling asleep, but I must’ve cried myself to sleep.  I glanced at the clock and it read 2:30am.  I sighed and rolled over into a body of my best friend.  Sound asleep next to me; I smiled knowing he always did that when I was upset.  I glanced over and saw my phone being charged next to him.  I wanted to reach for it, but I didn’t want to wake him. I laid there watching him sleep, and while I was glad he was there, I was wishing it was Joel.

Just as I was falling back to sleep, my phone started to ring.  Monroe and I jumped up and stared at the phone.  The number coming through wasn’t in my contact list...my heart instantly jumped into my throat.  Monroe quickly unplugged it and handed it to me...

Hello....