Calm Before the Storm...

“I don’t know if I can do this...”

Everyone looked at me in a state of shock.  I had been all gung-ho about this move and now that it was nearing I was seriously having doubts.  I knew that if I moved I would be putting a lot of distance between myself and those I loved, but I would be closer to the one who had my heart. 

M: “Whoa! Baby girl what are you saying?  Did Joel break up with you?!”

Me: “No, no, no!  As far as I know he is still set to arrive soon.  I just don’t know if putting 3000 miles between me and my support system is a good idea.  Candice and Craig could easily follow me out there and then what?!  I am on my own? While Joel is working I am alone and have no one?!  There is so much red tape to go through for me to go down there....I don’t know if he’s started any immigration papers for me....” 

I started to hyperventilate.  I had gone straight into panic mode.  Trevor quickly handed me a paper bag and sat next to me stroking my back telling me to breathe deeply.  I nodded and was breathing deeply into the bag. 

T: “I used to get panic attacks a lot.  I can sympathize with you on how you feel right now.  I won’t pretend that I understand your situation, but I understand the panic attack.  Just keep breathing, it will subside.”

I nodded as he moved away and Duane sat next to me stroking my back.  I had no idea when Joel was arriving today, he didn’t send me an itinerary or even text me that he had gotten on any flight.  I felt my body begin to relax and I took the paper bag away from my face.  I started to breath normally on my own, and started to think about the move again.  I knew I had to look up what I needed to do, and whether this was even something I could do right now.  I knew it wouldn’t be as simple as Joel made it sound, there had to be more to it. 

I slowly got up and went to my bedroom and grabbed my laptop and started to do my research.  I had been so caught up in the moment of going with Joel I didn’t realize what steps I needed to do to get there.  Monroe was lucky, he had applied for a job and his company secured a work visa for him.  As I researched I quickly realized this wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. I had to apply for a visa either by being Joel’s fiancé, apply to a school in the United States and apply for a student visa, or do as Monroe did and be hired by a US based company and see if they can get me a work visa. 

I knew trying for a work visa was out of the question.  I didn’t have a career path as of yet, and I was sure that TGIFriday’s could find suitable waitresses that didn’t require a work visa.  The next thought was school, however I was well past the deadlines for this semester, so that was out even with late admissions.  The only other way was for us to get married.  As I researched into it, my head was swimming with forms like K-1 and DS-160.  All the things I had to do on my side including a medical exam, background check, and then all the dates I had to keep in mind to keep us together.  Then we had the filing fee, and then to top it off I realized...WE HAD NOT DONE ANY OF THIS!!  I slammed my laptop shut and reality set in.  I wasn’t going to be able to leave permanently this weekend.  I was ashamed to admit that I was a little elated about it.  I could go down and see how things were for a bit and then come home.  But how would Joel handle me simply staying and then leaving?  How long would I be allowed to stay for?  I felt another panic attack beginning to rise and I knew I had to get out.  It felt like the walls were closing in around me.  I walked out of my room and grabbed my purse and started towards the elevator.  I heard Monroe and Duane calling after me, but I didn’t want to stay, I needed to be alone.  As I got into the elevator Trevor slid in beside me and I looked at him with a glare of get out and leave me alone.  But he didn’t budge, despite the fact that Monroe was standing there telling him to get out of the elevator.  He pulled down the gate and I scanned the card and we descended down to the ground floor.

Me: “What are you doing? Go back upstairs...”

T: “Look I don’t know the entire story, and let’s face it we both got off to a bad start.  I figured we can walk and talk together.  I am an outsider to this entire situation and maybe I can help.  And if not, well I got to go for a walk.”

I just nodded as we started to walk.  It was a silent walk for the first thirty minutes.  Just me and him wandering aimlessly around downtown, he was looking at all the sky scrapers and bright lights that adorned restaurants, while I was looking sullen and trying to piece things together in my head.

T: “You don’t have to figure this out in 24 hours you know.  You can talk to me, maybe I can help...”

I led him into a Starbucks that was surprisingly empty, and we grabbed something to drink and sat down.  I reached for my phone and realized that Duane and Monroe had texted to wonder where we had gone.  I put it back in my purse; I wasn’t ready to do any explaining yet.  Trevor talked idly about random topics just to keep it from two people sitting silently in a coffee shop.   I took a long sip of my green tea latte and it was like all my insecurities came out like verbal diarrhea.  Trevor listened and nodded, when I was finished he took a long drink of his half-caf non-fat vanilla bean latte as I waited to hear what he had to say.

T: “Ok...Wow!  I didn’t realize how drama ridden this all was.  I just thought you were getting cold feet about moving.  So Craig cheated on you for 6 months with Chloe, who is now pregnant but Craig swears it is not his, you caught them at your condo and then again at your ‘fake’ rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “Well I knew what was going on at the dinner; his mother was the one who caught them...”

T: “And a few weeks later you ran into Joel and well did what most single women and a lot of gay men do” he winked at the end of the last statement.

Me: “Yea, probably not the best idea, but all those feelings from us being together even for that short amount of time when we went to San Fran, came rushing back.

T: “You don’t need to justify anything to me; please I’ve done way more crazy shit than that!  So Craig got hammered that night you were to have dinner, and showed up drunk causing a scene to which his brother and your hunk of a man put an end to.  So then after about what 3-6 months of him flying back and forth, you both came to the conclusion that maybe moving in together would be easier?”

Me: “Well after the whole Candice and Craig incident, Duane moved in temporarily. Then someone broke into the loft, which is still under investigation, and which brings us to the here and now. Joel has very little vacation time left, and I am not able to fly down as often as he is.  I didn’t even think about all the paper work that needs to be completed.  Immigration totally slipped my mind, and now I am in panic mode.”

T: “Being an outsider sometimes helps.  And I am not someone who sugar coats anything...are you sure you can handle what I may say?  I am not a ‘Yes Man’ Bella; I am so not someone who will just say it to appease you.”

I nodded.  I knew I needed the non sugar coat, non family, unbiased opinion of an outside person.  I took a deep breath and a long drink of my latte and got ready for what I was sure to be one of the most honest opinions I have ever gotten...