Sorry Dear Readers...

Hello My Dear Readers!

I am apologizing in advance that I haven't posted in 2 weeks.  I am working like crazy at 3 jobs to get some extra money for Christmas and it is leaving me with very little time to write.  I will do my best to pick it back up and try and get you guys caught up.  Though I am thinking I may to a fast forward ahead, not too sure yet.

But on a side note, and maybe I am the last to know, but cosmopolitan has got a new bedroom blogger.  Check her out!!  I have actually read some of her novels and they are fantastic!


I hope you all have a great Christmas and New Year!  And I hope I still have a few readers when I do return!

xo
B

Secrets and Jealousy....

The next day I was woken up by a nurse coming in to check Joel’s vitals.  I cracked my eyes open but the curtain was closed around his bed, effectively shutting me out.  I stretched in the chair where I slept and listened as Joel laughed at her flirtations.  Of course my mind was wandering, in a not good direction, the combined laughing and flirting that was going on behind that curtain was effectively goading the green eyed monster in me.  I silently got up out of my chair and left the room before I said or did something I would regret later. I had to trust him right?!  I walked down the hall and asked if there was a cafeteria that was open, to which I was directed to the Red Brick Cafe, which I hoped would be open. 

I was heading back with coffees and some pastry.  I figured that nurse had to have left by now.  When I walked in I heard a female voice saying “Are you sure you don’t want a sponge bath Mr. Billings?  I am sure we can make it fun” she said purring the last sentence.  I ripped the curtain back and saw her hand on his arm, caressing it, as I piped up and said “I am sure that I can handle that Nurse...”  She stood up slightly and said curtly “Jennifer.”  “Well Nurse Jennifer, my boyfriend and I can handle the bathing part just fine.  I am sure there are other patients who need your assistance.”  She turned in a huff and walked out of the room. 

I handed him his coffee and a croissant, and then sat in a chair next to his bed.  He looked over at me and smiled and shook his head “Jealous are you?”  I glared at him “Like you would be totally okay with an attractive male was all over me like that...” I sipped my coffee as he stared at me “what guy? Who have you been ...”he was sitting up and agitated “Jealous are you?” I giggled.  He sat back against his raised bed and sipped his coffee glaring at me but...he got the picture.

I stepped outside when the new doctor and his interns took over the shift and were making their rounds.  I called the boys and asked them to bring me some clothes and a pack of cigarettes, much to Monroe’s protests; I knew I had to stop that nasty habit eventually.  I had just hung up the phone when a young man approached the bench and sat down.  We both smiled at each other as I sat there enjoying the fresh air.  I saw him pull out a pack of cigarettes and I bit my lower lip, without even asking he held out his open pack.  I smiled and took one; it had been a good few weeks since I had one.

I blew out a sigh of smoke and relief.  We had sat in silence until he turned to me and said “Hi I’m Dane.”  I looked over at him and said hi and told him my name.  I then noticed he had a hospital lanyard around his neck, but he wasn’t in any tell tale scrubs that scream hospital worker.  We sat for a few more minutes in silence before he lit another cigarette and offered me another one.  I took it but didn’t light it; he looked like he wanted to talk so I sat with him.  All of a sudden he started telling me his story.  His wife and he just had twin babies, but there were complications.  One of the twins had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and his wife had also suffered some kind of complication.  They were in the middle of a c-section when her heart rate dropped drastically low and the nurses escorted him from the room.  He started to cry softly, tears rolling down his cheeks.  I rubbed his shoulder softly as he blurted out that he didn’t know what to do, he felt so helpless.  How would he raise 2 kids on his own?  He wished he could trade places with his wife, she was the strong one, she always knew what to do.  I didn’t try to offer any advice, because I don’t even know what he’s going through.  But I tried to offer some assurance that he would be an amazing father and that I hoped his wife and child would be ok.  He nodded and stamped out his cigarette before apologizing and heading back to the hospital. 

I waited a few minutes and walked back inside.  When I was coming back up to Joel’s room I passed by the linen room and heard Nurse Jennifer speaking to someone.  “The patient in room 202, oh wow he is so hot!  I have to get me more of that!  I almost had him before his friend came in.”  I continued walking past; I didn’t care for what she had to say.  I trusted Joel...end of story.  But as I approached Joel’s room I heard heated whispers of you tell her or I will; it just happened, let it go; no tell her now!

I walked in and saw Joel and Duane with Joel “Tell me what?”

 

**Just FYI for my readers, I am trying to aim for 1 post per week.  I have picked up another job for Christmas, so I have very little time to write. If it is not up I apologize in advance!  Thanks for understanding!**

Gotcha...

Monroe and I looked at each other confused. When I turned back to look at Joel his brow was furrowed and he asked “You are Anna right?!”  I shook my head and bit my lower lip. Monroe gripped my shoulder and turned to leave and find the doctor.

“How much do you remember Joel?” I asked.

“Well I was in Afghanistan and ...” he replied

“No, anything beyond that?  Like what year is it?”  I asked again...

He looked at me like I was asking him if he had just walked across the moon.  Then all of a sudden his demeanour changed and he a huge smile broke out across his face as he yelled “GOTCHA”.  I slapped his arm and was crying and laughing at the same time. 

“You’re an asshole!!  I seriously thought something was wrong!!!!”

“Hey don’t abuse the patient! They will call security for stuff like that...” he was holding his arms up to protect himself.

“They will need a coroner when I am done with you!! Do you know how much you scared me?!”

Joel continued to laugh and then stretched his arms behind his head “Baby I am fine, it is a broken leg and some rehab.  I have been through worse, but this doesn’t change anything. I still want us to be together.  So the move will have to happen pretty quickly because I can’t get around on my own just yet...”

“Baby about that...there is so much paper work we have to do, we haven’t even filled in any forms, we only have so long to get married...I ...”

“Isabella, I already started some of the paperwork.  I’ve retained an immigration lawyer; I know what we need to do.  All I need for you to do is be ready to go.  Are you ready to go?”

I realized then that I wasn’t ready to go and shook my head. Joel sat there staring at me with bewilderment in his eyes.  It was almost like I had told him I wanted to break up. 

“What happened? What changed?   You were ready to go a week ago...”

“Joel I want us to be together, I really do.  And I will come home with you and be there for you for your entire rehab.  I am just not ready to uproot my life permanently.  We can play house for a few months or whatever it is, and see how it goes.  We get to see if we are fully compatible living together before we actually live together.”

Before he could answer Monroe walked in with the good doctor.  He wanted to examine Joel and asked us to step outside.  Monroe asked if Joel had remembered and I told Monroe about his practical joke.   Monroe smirked and said “Well he is messing with us now...pay back is going to be a bitch!”  I giggled at his statement because I knew Monroe was not going to drop that.  The doctor came out and was trying to explain why Joel may have had spontaneous amnesia to which we both apologized and explained that Joel was playing a practical joke on me.  The doctor smiled and walked away shaking his head. 

We walked back to the waiting area and found Duane and Trevor asleep on the couch.  I felt bad that I had kind of ditched both of them, but was happy that we were together. Monroe started tapping around on his phone and he booked us into a Hilton that was close by.  I leaned over and gently shook the guys awake and told them we were going to a hotel.  Monroe offered to drive over, to which Duane sleepily agreed to.  I excused myself and went to Joel’s room and told him we would be back in the morning.  “Please don’t go, can you stay with me?  I can shift over and you can sleep in the bed with me...” He went to move and winced in pain.   “Joel I will stay, but I will sleep in the chair here.  But I need to get some caffeine so I will be back.”  I kissed his forehead and then again softly on the lips and walked out of the room.

I went back to the waiting area and told the guys I was staying but I needed to find some caffeine, so I told them to go ahead and just bring me some clothes tomorrow.  I hugged all three of them and went in search of a coffee machine.  I sought out someone in scrubs and asked where I could get a coffee, to which the person directed me towards a bank of vending machines.  I got myself a horrible machine coffee and a bag of chips and headed back to Joel.  When I got back he was semi awake, my guess fighting whatever they had given him to sleep.  I sat in the chair next to him, putting my items on the bedside table, and grabbed his hand gently.  He smiled and gripped my hand “We have a lot we have to talk about...”  I shook my head “Not tonight.  Get some rest.  We can talk tomorrow.”

The next morning I woke up to the sound of laughter, and when my eyes opened there were my guys all standing around Joel.  The three of them seemed to be enjoying some Starbucks; I stretched and sat up in search of my caffeine.  Monroe handed me a London Fog and winked; not even breaking stride from the conversation.  I took a long sip of my drink and gazed around.  I knew Joel and I had a lot to talk about, as I watched them all laugh and joke with each other I was hit with a wave of sadness.  This is what I would miss...my little family.

Coming out of Anesthesia...

I went towards the doctor as the boys looked up and then stood up.  The doctor walked us over to the corner and spoke in a whisper as to make sure only we heard.

Dr.: “I am Doctor Johnston.  I was the attending in the case for Mr. Billingsly.  He was in that big accident on the highway as you know and his left leg was broken and he has a few broken ribs on his left side, and he’s a little banged up.  He looks much worse than he is.  We had to use some pins to put his femur back together.  It looks like he may have had a previous injury there.  He is doing just fine and with some rehab should be back up and walking.”

Me: “Can we or I see him??”

Dr.: “Of course, he is still coming out of anaesthesia so maybe in about an hour or so.  I must excuse myself as I have other patients to attend to.”

I nodded as he walked way.  I was happy that was all Joel had suffered as it could’ve been so much worse.  We had stopped watching the news so we don’t know entirely what happened or why his left side was injured. 

M: “Thank goodness!  He will be ok.  He made it through the war; he can make it through this.”

I nodded in agreement, but I knew what Joel had told me that his last girlfriend had left him while he was injured, so I had to wonder how much of this was playing on his mind.  Duane went to go get some more caffeine while Monroe and I waited.  Ever notice when you’re waiting an hour seems like forever??

Duane came back with empty handed, noting that nothing was open but as soon as we knew where Joel was he was going to go find an open coffee shop somewhere.  Just as he sat down a nurse walked in and asked if we were here for Joel and escorted him to his room.  I was walking quickly behind her while Monroe and Duane trailed behind; I think Duane was checking out the nurse more than just walking behind me.  We approached room 312 and she gestured for us to go in. I all of a sudden froze in my spot, almost stealing myself for the worst.  I took a deep breath and Monroe took my hand and led me inside.  There was my handsome man lying in an ugly hospital gown, he was banged up, but seemed to be sleeping.  I walked slowly towards him and sat down in the chair next to the bed and slowly grabbed his hand.

Me: “Baby? Are you awake?”

Monroe was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders and Duane stood back from the bed. I think he was having residual feelings of being that patient in the bed.  Joel slowly started to stir and his eyes slightly opened before a tired grin spread across his face and then he closed his eyes again.

Joel: “I thought I was dreaming when I heard your voice.”

Me: “You don’t remember what happened baby?”

Joel: “No”

Me: “You were in a car accident on your way to see me”

Joel: “An accident?”

Me: “yes Joel”

Joel’s brow furrowed at the fact that he was told he was in an accident.  I started to wonder if he had more injuries than what they originally thought.  Maybe he wacked his head or the impact did something to his brain.  But the doctor never told me that he had any trauma to his brain.  I looked up confused at Monroe, not sure what to say next.

Monroe: “Joel where do you think you are right now buddy?  And who do you think you are talking to?”

Joel sighed and took a deep painful breath; he gripped my hand tightly while doing so.  He opened his eyes slightly, and a little more confusion spread across his face...

Joel: “I am back from Afghanistan and in a rehab hospital!  And while I don’t know exactly who you are sir, this is my girlfriend” A smile spread across my face when he said that.  “Her name is Anna...right?”




***SIDE NOTE:  I HAVE PUT ANOTHER POLL AT THE TOP, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO VOTE. IF YOU ARE VIEWING THIS ON A MOBILE PHONE, YOU MAY HAVE TO SWITCH TO 'VIEW WEB VERSION' TO VOTE.  ALSO I WILL BE CREATING ANOTHER BLOG FOR POINTS OF VIEW AND FLASHBACKS.  A FEW READERS HAVE EMAILED AND SAID THEY FEEL THAT IT DISRUPTS THE BLOG FLOW.  WHICH IS FINE, I WILL DO IT ON A SEPARATE SITE FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO CONTINUE TO READ IT.***

Monroe's Story Pt. 1

**BONUS POST.   Just a little background from Monroe's perspective**

 

I still remember the day I met Bella.  We were pretty young and I was being bullied by a group of guys.  I had always been different; I think I had always known that I wasn’t like the other guys.  I was leaning against a wall of our school while a group of boys had circled me and were calling me all sorts of names.  I was trying to be strong, but all I had ever wanted was to fit in; be one of the guys so to speak.  She came over and put herself between me and the 5 boys who had circled me.  Back then Bella was so confident in herself.  She was an intimidating little girl.  She had always gotten along with everyone, and yet no one seemed to want to cross her.  The boys looked around her and said she can’t protect you forever...It was from that day forward that Bella and I had become inseparable.  Turns out she was the one who protected me from them...

I won’t go into my home life, because well it wasn’t perfect.  I didn’t fit in to their idea of a son; so most of my childhood was spent with Bella.  Her mom welcomed me with open arms, even turning their guest room into a spare room for me to stay in whenever I wanted.  Her home felt like it was home to me. 

***************

Bella had been my protector all the way up to high school.  Even in high school she was popular, and thus I became more accepted and popular through her.  I had to hand it to Bella, she had taken a kid that was once the social outcast and made him popular and accepted. 

I applied for college, and got into fashion design.  Daphne was so excited for me; my own parents had pretty much just nodded and asked how much I needed.  They hadn’t really been enthusiastic, but remained supportive in their own withdrawn sort of way.  I think my mom wanted to reach out more, but my dad not so much.  As for Bella, she applied for college to become a legal assistant.  Her mom was convinced that she would meet a nice rich lawyer and get married that way.  I knew that wasn’t what she wanted to do, she wanted to be a social worker, but it was Daphne’s dream that she marry wealthy and not waste her good looks.  This would be the first time we’d been apart since we were kids.  I would have to move to Windsor and she would remain in Toronto.

I had a blast in Windsor; I was excelling in my program and had been offered a spot to attend NYC Fashion Week with one of my professors.  I so wanted Bella to come with me, and so I went home for a break, what I saw was not what I was expecting.  I went straight to the house and Daphne had told me that Bella had dropped out of college and no longer lived there.  She told me she had let herself go, and that she didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t notice it before, but all of a sudden I saw that Daphne was not as concerned for the fact that Bella had dropped out, but for the fact that she had gained weight.  I was shocked and disappointed but I never let it show and asked for Bella’s address.

I jumped into a cab and a short while later it pulled up to a rundown 4 storey building.  I got out after I had paid the driver and walked to the door and buzzed her apartment.  I walked up the stairs after she let me in and when I got to the door I saw her.  She looked tired and like someone had dragged her through the mud.  Now yes she had gained weight, but in my eyes she would always be beautiful.  I walked into her apartment and knew I needed to talk her into coming to Windsor.

M: “What happened?  Why didn’t you call me?  Bella ... are you ok?”

B: “I am fine.  I just didn’t like college.”

Her entire demeanour had changed.  She was not the confident girl I had left, but was a broken down version of her own self. 

M: “No everything is not fine. TELL ME NOW!”

Bella had started to cry and told me about her college experience.  She had been doing fine; she was excelling in her classes.  Then one day one of her professors had taken a group out for dinner to celebrate all the hard work before the final exam.  As the night progressed the table had emptied and she and her professor were the only ones left.  She was waiting for her cousin to come pick her up, and the professor offered to wait with her.  She basically went stone cold while saying the next part; he basically tried to barter a grade for sex.  When she declined, he seemed to be fine with it.  However the next day, he was cold towards her.  Then the exam grades were posted and he had given her a very low grade.  Bella went to him after and asked what happened, she studied and that she was more than prepared.  He closed his office door, walked around his desk and looked her dead in her eye ‘you know how the world works Isabella, you scratch my back and I scratch yours.  You’re a smart and beautiful girl.  I know the type, take legal assistant, seduce a lawyer you’re working for, get him to marry you...I could’ve made it so easy for you.  Now if you’ve come to earn extra credit, we can discuss that tonight and if not, the door is there.’

She had never been talked to like that before...ever!  You could see the defeated look in her eye that she had taken that to heart.  She immediately dropped out of school and went home.  She thought the one place she could be safe was home, but that wasn’t the case.  Daphne was irate that she dropped out and wasted the money.   Daphne’s reaction had caused Bella had started eating everything in sight.  She was so upset that her mom didn’t even ask why or what happened.

I knew then that my Isabella was gone, buried beneath all the hurt and betrayal.   But I was going to do everything I could to get her back.

Accidents Happen...

“Hello is this Miss Shim?”

Me: “Yes this is her...”

Sgt: “Hello Miss Shim this is Sgt. Daniel Borello of Michigan State Police.  You are in the In Case of Emergency list for one Mr. Joel Billingsly.  We found his phone in his pocket and that you had called several times.”

Me: “Oh my God!  Is he okay?  Please tell me he is okay...” I could feel the fear and tears well up inside of me.  Monroe shot up in bed next to me, almost willing me to put it on speaker phone so he could hear.

Sgt: “Well Mr. Billingsly has been badly injured in a motor vehicle accident on the I-80.  I am sure you’ve seen the news reports.  He is not in grave condition, but before he passed out, he asked us to call you.”

I started to cry on the phone, he was alive but seriously hurt.  “Where is he? Where do I have to get to?”

Sgt: “He is being transported to Detroit Receiving Hospital; please travel safely if you are on your way.”

I hung up quickly and turned on the lights.  Monroe was there watching me as I rushed around the room grabbing clothes and shoving them into a duffel bag.

M: “Bella?  Is Joel ok? Where are you going?”

Me: “Joel was injured; I have to get to Detroit.  He is in the hospital...”

Monroe jumped up quickly and ran to the spare room and woke up Trevor then to the living room and woke up Duane.  We were all packing bags quickly while Duane called his job and told them he had an emergency and would need a few days off.  I didn’t know what I was doing, it was so robotic.  I started to search flights when they all were waiting at the elevator...

Duane: “Let's go Bella, I’m driving.  It will only take us a few hours.”

We all rushed down to Duane’s car, we all checked for passports and then started to drive. Duane was speeding down the highways, when I reached over and touched his arm, he looked at me and started to release the accelerator and slow down.  There wasn’t any traffic, given that it was almost 4am, and that Duane had a heavy foot on the gas.  We pit stopped in London, we had made it about half way to our destination in little over 90 minutes.  We loaded up on Timmies and got some snacks.  We were stretching when then debate started whether we should go straight to Windsor or go over through Sarnia on the 402.  Windsor won out, noting it was closer, and we all got back into the car and were on our way again.

Duane shook me gently at the border cross in Windsor and I handed over my passport.  When they asked the nature of our visit, we just aid visiting a friend in Detroit Hospital.  The clock read 5am and I knew we were close.  We quickly crossed the border and headed towards the hospital.  I must’ve fallen asleep again because I was woken up by Monroe saying we were here.  Duane pulled into the Emergency and let me and Monroe out.  Trevor and Duane said they would be along shortly.  We both ran into the Emergency room and I asked where Joel Billingsly was.  Of course they ask you all the security questions who are you?  Have you been out of the country?  Fever, cough, diarrhea?   Once I had passed the quiz, they told me 3^rd floor.  I told her that my brothers were on their way in after they parked the car and to please send them up. 

We got off on the 3^rd floor and I looked around and found a nursing station.  I told them who I was looking for and they told me he was in surgery and I should wait in the waiting room.  I started to ask question as to why surgery and they told me I had to wait to see the doctor.  I started to panic and Monroe held me tight to him and led me to the waiting room.  Duane and Trevor came up shortly after carrying more caffeine.  I told them that he was in surgery but didn’t know specifics.

I started to pace the room, drinking my tea slowly.  Trevor and Monroe were whispering quietly with Duane.  Every time the door opened my heart jumped into my throat.  Every minute waiting seemed like eternity.  My fear started to rise when I didn’t see a doctor come through.  It looked like a lot of families had questions; probably most of them were from the accident.  I was just about to sit down when the door swung open and there stood a doctor in blue scrubs and a surgical cap.  I got up and stood there, along with other family members who were looking for answers to for their loved ones.

“I am looking for the family of Mr. Joel Billingsly...”

Hey Everyone!

I am going to let you all decide what the next move is.....

you have until Tuesday to vote in the poll to the outcome!

I've written all of the posts for all of the options. And it will be posted after the poll closes!  

Update..
I've had a few comments/emails in regards to where the poll is. If you are viewing my blog on your mobile phone, scroll all the way to thr bottom of the page (not the post) and click on the option to view the WEB VERSION. The mobile version of blogger does not show the poll. 

Prepare For the Worst or Hope For the Best?!

I stared wide eyed at Duane’s statement that Joel was driving up.  I shook my head no, in disbelief.  I checked my phone again, and still had nothing from him saying whether or not he was on his way or not.  Monroe turned the TV off and as he was coming towards me I sank to the ground.  I felt the panic rise up inside me, and the guilt of how elated I was earlier that I wouldn’t have to make any big decisions yet.  I tried to call him again but I got no answer.  Tears had welled up in my eyes as I started to believe the worst.  Duane came rushing over to me, paper bag in hand as I started to hyperventilate.   Trevor went and got a bottle of water and I was surrounded on the floor by three men. 

I kept repeating No over and over.  I wasn’t ready to let him go yet.  You know when sometimes the worst situation gives you the best insight?  I knew then and there that my feelings were genuine; I loved Joel.  I started to breathe into the bag to calm down; the panic was still welled up deep inside me but I needed to be rational and figure out what my next step was.  I needed to locate my man.  I slowly stood up and went to turn the TV back on and Monroe tried to stop me.

Me: “I need to know what’s going on; good, bad or ugly.  I can’t just sit here and stew.  If he’s down there then I am going to get to him one way or another.”

M: “Baby girl, you can’t get past the border, it’s closed both ways.  You have to wait here, we all do. I am cancelling my flight back until we know what’s going on.  Trevor you are welcome to go home if you choose, but you are also welcome to stay...”

Trevor nodded that he would stay, Monroe turned the TV volume down and we sat on the couch watching everything unfold. None of us knew what his car or truck looked like, so we had no idea if he was in the pile up or if he was safe and away from it. 

Duane: “I don’t want to sound insensitive, but maybe we should have some dinner.  We can sit here and eat, but you need your strength and well I am starving...”

Me: “Go ahead and eat all of you, I am not hungry.  But I would love a glass of wine....or a bottle with a long straw...”

M: “You can have wine if you eat dinner; you have to eat something...”

I rolled my eyes, but I knew he wouldn’t let me get drunk on an empty stomach.  I knew he was right, but I was not in the mood to be bargained with.  I got up and stormed the kitchen when Duane and Monroe blocked me in.

M: “NO! You are going to eat.  You are not doing this, I know you’re upset but you NEED to eat.  I know you didn’t eat this morning or any lunch.  Don’t try and play this down, I know you’re scared but you aren’t alone.”

As he talked to me Duane leaned against the fridge so I couldn’t get the wine out.  I leaned on the counter with my head in my hands and started to cry; big ugly crying.  Duane came to comfort me and I pushed him away and ran from the kitchen and straight into my room, slamming the door shut.  I looked around, teary eyed, at all the packing I had done.  Was it all for nothing?  I lay down in the bed and cried softly to myself while I fiddled with the promise ring that Joel had given me. 

I faintly heard the boys talking out in the living room about what to do.  They all seemed lost as to how to handle me right now.  Trevor suggested calling my mother, but that was quickly vetoed by the others; they knew she was the last person I needed to see at that moment.  She hadn’t even tried to contact me after I stood up to her, though I know Duane was keeping her updated on the situation.

There was a light knock on the door, but I didn’t answer.  I didn’t want to see anyone.  I wanted to be with Joel...and if he wasn’t there I wanted to be alone.  The knock came again but when I threw a book at the door the knocking stopped.  I started to sob quietly to myself, hoping Joel was just stuck behind the accident, but that didn’t give me any answers as to why he wasn’t answering his phone. 

I don’t remember falling asleep, but I must’ve cried myself to sleep.  I glanced at the clock and it read 2:30am.  I sighed and rolled over into a body of my best friend.  Sound asleep next to me; I smiled knowing he always did that when I was upset.  I glanced over and saw my phone being charged next to him.  I wanted to reach for it, but I didn’t want to wake him. I laid there watching him sleep, and while I was glad he was there, I was wishing it was Joel.

Just as I was falling back to sleep, my phone started to ring.  Monroe and I jumped up and stared at the phone.  The number coming through wasn’t in my contact list...my heart instantly jumped into my throat.  Monroe quickly unplugged it and handed it to me...

Hello....

Driving home...

T: “Bella, you are not at fault for the demise of your relationship with Craig.  He did that all on his own by cheating on you.  He aided in the demise of another relationship, the one you had with Chloe.  They both made conscious decisions, it’s not like they trip and fell into having sex.  They both violated your trust, love and your health by screwing around.  As for his outburst, he’s just gone absolutely crazy with jealousy.  He thought it would be so easy to get you back, and now he is realizing that he can’t.  So he is grasping at straws trying anyway to keep you from being happy with anyone but him.  Which we both know is not the case.  As for you moving, I can tell you have had and are still having reservations about it.  And no one can tell you whether it is right or wrong but you.  But what I can suggest is that you talk to Joel about this. I know he is expecting you to go down this weekend and not leave, but I think you need to just talk.”

I nodded along with what he was saying.  He was very non judgemental about the whole thing.  I thought he may have more judgement, but he pretty much said everything that most people had already said to me.

T: “Now you need to stop second guessing Joel’s fidelity.  He hasn’t given you reason to not trust him, and from what Monroe had told me about him, he loves you completely.  I know it is hard not to carry baggage, but you have to believe in him or your relationship will never work.  Now I am by no means judging you with my next statement...but maybe you guys did jump into bed too fast.  But who hasn’t done that?!  Most of us can only wish we got a great, sexy, protective partner out of it.  I don’t know him personally, but I would love to meet him.  If there is one thing I can read...it’s a man.  When is he set to arrive?”

I shrugged at him, because truthfully I didn’t know.  I thought I would’ve heard from him by now.  But I checked again and there weren’t any missed calls from him, no texts; which I started to worry about.  He was good about letting me know where he was.  Maybe he was there already and the boys were filling him in on my breakdown.

Me: “Thank you Trevor, I really appreciate you coming along and letting me talk your ear off.  And for all the advice you’ve given me.  I really appreciate it.  And I want to apologize for being such a bitch when you first arrived.  I am not used to sharing Monroe, and well I get a little selfish.  I am glad he has found someone like you to share his life with, you must be either special or crazy to have gotten that man tied down.”  I giggled after my last statement.

Trevor laughed as he knew it was true. I am sure that Monroe has told him maybe half of how much a man whore he was.  Truth be told Monroe has a colourful history to say the least. But that is a story best told by Monroe.  We finished up our drinks and decided to head back to the loft...but we went the long way.  I showed Trevor the CN Tower and Rogers Centre (formerly the Sky Dome), and on our way back Trevor was telling me about growing up in New Jersey and about Carlo’s bakery, which was making my mouth water; I had always wanted to go there.  I now had a serious craving for sweets, so we stopped at the grocery store and picked up some Betty Crocker cake mix and icing to make our own. 

We found ourselves back in front of the loft and I hugged Trevor tightly.  Though I did think his advice was a little sugar coated, he was still very nice and had some good insights.  We wandered into the building and headed up in the elevator.  When we got inside Monroe had finished cooking but both him and Duane were sitting silently on the couch watching TV.  As we approached there was a news break live from just outside of Detroit. 

Huge 20 car pileup shutting down the I-80 east.  No news as to what caused this pileup, but we have been told there are at least two dead and several injured.  Stay tuned for more breaking news...

I was wondering why everyone was quiet, I didn’t know if Joel was driving up or not, but I still had not heard from him.  I looked at my phone and then I looked at both of them and they were stark white. 

Duane: “Bella...Joel was driving up...”

Calm Before the Storm...

“I don’t know if I can do this...”

Everyone looked at me in a state of shock.  I had been all gung-ho about this move and now that it was nearing I was seriously having doubts.  I knew that if I moved I would be putting a lot of distance between myself and those I loved, but I would be closer to the one who had my heart. 

M: “Whoa! Baby girl what are you saying?  Did Joel break up with you?!”

Me: “No, no, no!  As far as I know he is still set to arrive soon.  I just don’t know if putting 3000 miles between me and my support system is a good idea.  Candice and Craig could easily follow me out there and then what?!  I am on my own? While Joel is working I am alone and have no one?!  There is so much red tape to go through for me to go down there....I don’t know if he’s started any immigration papers for me....” 

I started to hyperventilate.  I had gone straight into panic mode.  Trevor quickly handed me a paper bag and sat next to me stroking my back telling me to breathe deeply.  I nodded and was breathing deeply into the bag. 

T: “I used to get panic attacks a lot.  I can sympathize with you on how you feel right now.  I won’t pretend that I understand your situation, but I understand the panic attack.  Just keep breathing, it will subside.”

I nodded as he moved away and Duane sat next to me stroking my back.  I had no idea when Joel was arriving today, he didn’t send me an itinerary or even text me that he had gotten on any flight.  I felt my body begin to relax and I took the paper bag away from my face.  I started to breath normally on my own, and started to think about the move again.  I knew I had to look up what I needed to do, and whether this was even something I could do right now.  I knew it wouldn’t be as simple as Joel made it sound, there had to be more to it. 

I slowly got up and went to my bedroom and grabbed my laptop and started to do my research.  I had been so caught up in the moment of going with Joel I didn’t realize what steps I needed to do to get there.  Monroe was lucky, he had applied for a job and his company secured a work visa for him.  As I researched I quickly realized this wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. I had to apply for a visa either by being Joel’s fiancé, apply to a school in the United States and apply for a student visa, or do as Monroe did and be hired by a US based company and see if they can get me a work visa. 

I knew trying for a work visa was out of the question.  I didn’t have a career path as of yet, and I was sure that TGIFriday’s could find suitable waitresses that didn’t require a work visa.  The next thought was school, however I was well past the deadlines for this semester, so that was out even with late admissions.  The only other way was for us to get married.  As I researched into it, my head was swimming with forms like K-1 and DS-160.  All the things I had to do on my side including a medical exam, background check, and then all the dates I had to keep in mind to keep us together.  Then we had the filing fee, and then to top it off I realized...WE HAD NOT DONE ANY OF THIS!!  I slammed my laptop shut and reality set in.  I wasn’t going to be able to leave permanently this weekend.  I was ashamed to admit that I was a little elated about it.  I could go down and see how things were for a bit and then come home.  But how would Joel handle me simply staying and then leaving?  How long would I be allowed to stay for?  I felt another panic attack beginning to rise and I knew I had to get out.  It felt like the walls were closing in around me.  I walked out of my room and grabbed my purse and started towards the elevator.  I heard Monroe and Duane calling after me, but I didn’t want to stay, I needed to be alone.  As I got into the elevator Trevor slid in beside me and I looked at him with a glare of get out and leave me alone.  But he didn’t budge, despite the fact that Monroe was standing there telling him to get out of the elevator.  He pulled down the gate and I scanned the card and we descended down to the ground floor.

Me: “What are you doing? Go back upstairs...”

T: “Look I don’t know the entire story, and let’s face it we both got off to a bad start.  I figured we can walk and talk together.  I am an outsider to this entire situation and maybe I can help.  And if not, well I got to go for a walk.”

I just nodded as we started to walk.  It was a silent walk for the first thirty minutes.  Just me and him wandering aimlessly around downtown, he was looking at all the sky scrapers and bright lights that adorned restaurants, while I was looking sullen and trying to piece things together in my head.

T: “You don’t have to figure this out in 24 hours you know.  You can talk to me, maybe I can help...”

I led him into a Starbucks that was surprisingly empty, and we grabbed something to drink and sat down.  I reached for my phone and realized that Duane and Monroe had texted to wonder where we had gone.  I put it back in my purse; I wasn’t ready to do any explaining yet.  Trevor talked idly about random topics just to keep it from two people sitting silently in a coffee shop.   I took a long sip of my green tea latte and it was like all my insecurities came out like verbal diarrhea.  Trevor listened and nodded, when I was finished he took a long drink of his half-caf non-fat vanilla bean latte as I waited to hear what he had to say.

T: “Ok...Wow!  I didn’t realize how drama ridden this all was.  I just thought you were getting cold feet about moving.  So Craig cheated on you for 6 months with Chloe, who is now pregnant but Craig swears it is not his, you caught them at your condo and then again at your ‘fake’ rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “Well I knew what was going on at the dinner; his mother was the one who caught them...”

T: “And a few weeks later you ran into Joel and well did what most single women and a lot of gay men do” he winked at the end of the last statement.

Me: “Yea, probably not the best idea, but all those feelings from us being together even for that short amount of time when we went to San Fran, came rushing back.

T: “You don’t need to justify anything to me; please I’ve done way more crazy shit than that!  So Craig got hammered that night you were to have dinner, and showed up drunk causing a scene to which his brother and your hunk of a man put an end to.  So then after about what 3-6 months of him flying back and forth, you both came to the conclusion that maybe moving in together would be easier?”

Me: “Well after the whole Candice and Craig incident, Duane moved in temporarily. Then someone broke into the loft, which is still under investigation, and which brings us to the here and now. Joel has very little vacation time left, and I am not able to fly down as often as he is.  I didn’t even think about all the paper work that needs to be completed.  Immigration totally slipped my mind, and now I am in panic mode.”

T: “Being an outsider sometimes helps.  And I am not someone who sugar coats anything...are you sure you can handle what I may say?  I am not a ‘Yes Man’ Bella; I am so not someone who will just say it to appease you.”

I nodded.  I knew I needed the non sugar coat, non family, unbiased opinion of an outside person.  I took a deep breath and a long drink of my latte and got ready for what I was sure to be one of the most honest opinions I have ever gotten...

 

Home Is Where Your BFF Is...

I want to thank all the readers for being patient with me.  I actually finished this post that I started way back in September.  After really just isolating myself and reading fiction book after fiction book and romance novel after romance novel, I came out of hiding and finished the post...sort of  :)

Duane looked at me questioningly.  I smiled politely and hooked my arm through Monroe’s while we walked out to the car.  Trevor walked behind us and Duane helped him with the bags.  Monroe and I fell back into our old routine; which consisted of us acting like an old married couple.  Trevor seemed thrown, not only by my introduction, but by how close Monroe and I were.

We got to the car and threw in the luggage and Monroe climbed into the back, Trevor followed suit.  I could hear faint whispering in the back between them; what did she mean when she asked you Trevor is it?  I don’t know.  I didn’t realize how close you two were, I just thought she was your beard or something.  Don’t ever say that about her... she is family.  Maybe we should talk at your place.

I am guessing that Trevor didn’t realize that Monroe’s place...is where I am currently living.  So when Duane drove into visitor’s parking and we all got out and started walking towards the building, Trevor shot Monroe a look of WTF?!

I dug out my pass and scanned it and we rose silently in the elevator, Trevor was glaring at Monroe who just ignored him.  When we got to our floor Duane slide the gate up and let everyone in before closing the door. 

M: “AHH! Home Sweet Home!!”

Me: “Duane why don’t you move your stuff into my room, and then Monroe and Trevor can stay in his old room.  I changed the sheets and everything, so it’s nice and fresh for you two.”

Duane went down the hall and moved his bag into my room and Monroe showed Trevor to their room.  The door was closed and I knew Trevor was about to go off.  I don’t think Monroe has disclosed everything to him yet...oh to be a fly on the wall of that room.  Raised whispers were occasionally heard through the door, so Duane and I grabbed some drinks from the fridge and moved out on to the balcony.  We were sitting and enjoying the Indian summer we were having when I heard a door slam and out walked Monroe.

Me: “Everything ok?”

M: “Peachy keen.  Trevor is just acting like a queen.  He has some concerns, like why you would ask him his name again, why you lived here, blah, blah, blah.” Monroe rolled his eyes after the last part.  “He is going to have a nap and or cool down before he comes back out here.  I warned him that if he doesn’t he might as well catch the next flight out...alone.  But what WAS that all about Bella?”

Me: “Monroe he looks like that guy who has been in all the magazines.  You know they call him Mister Hollywood.  The guy who has been latching himself onto stars and designers...”

M: “You read too many rag mags!  He isn’t the same person, and why would he be with me?  I am not a designer yet...”

I shrugged Monroe new best. I decided it best to let it go, I didn’t want to argue with my bff.  I was just glad to have him home.  I looked over at Duane who was falling asleep in the chair, and sent him to bed in my room.  Monroe and I sat on the balcony for hours while he regaled me with stories of being in fashion and all the stars he’s met. 

After a few hours Monroe went to the bedroom and I could hear more whispers and the mention of my name.  When they walked out together Monroe took the pass I had out and left with him.  They returned about an hour later; arms full of groceries.  Trevor even warmed up to me, and he apologized for his behaviour citing lack of sleep and caffeine.  I nodded I could relate on both counts.  I apologized for my behaviour at the airport, referencing his same reasoning.  Monroe smiled, and I knew it made him relax now that we were trying to get along.    I asked if I could help and they both banished me to the island and told me they were cooking dinner tonight.  I was still on high alert with this guy, but I wasn’t going to let it show.

I watched them move with grace in the kitchen, making a couple of different dishes.  Monroe knows I have a super weakness for pasta and Duane was a meat and potatoes guy. 

Trevor: “So Isabella, Monroe tells me you’re moving to California?”

Me: “Well that is kind of the plan, though given recent happenings...”

Trevor: “What recent happenings? All I got out of him, nodding towards Monroe, was ‘I have to leave within the next day or even tonight.  My girl is in trouble and I have to get to her...’  When he said his girl, I was starting to wonder if he was one of those down low married guys....” he ribbed Monroe who stuck his tongue out at him.

Me: “Well long story short; I was to be married, my fiancée cheated on me with my best friend for 6 months.  We caught them in what was to be my home.  I left; he is still holding a torch and has now gone crazy stalker with my new boyfriends ex.”

D: “Oh now he’s your boyfriend? He was your fiancé last night...”  Duane said as he came out rubbing his eyes, wearing only his sweats.  I saw Trevor do the look over and his jaw drop a little bit.

Me: “Ok whatever, I was tired and stressed.  Fiancé...boyfriend...whatever; point is, I don’t know whether this move is going to happen.  I don’t know what Candice is up to, and me being 3000 miles away isn’t helping.  Unless...”  I said looking at Duane, maybe this was the time I could talk to him about moving.

D: “Why are you looking at me like that...are you asking me to go with you?!  Bella I can’t just move, I have a life here too.”

I sighed.  I didn’t think he would just up and move with me, but I was getting more and more scared to go alone.  And I was going to be ALONE.  I had no one that I was entirely comfortable with out there.  Monroe was in New York, Duane was here, and my friends were here...all I would have out there is Joel.

I excused myself and went to my bedroom and sat on the bed.  I looked around at everything that I had already packed.  I know I only live once, but I was starting to really rethink this.  Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.  This was such a whirlwind romance with Joel.  Everything was happening so fast; maybe too fast.  Maybe I needed to rein this one in and drag my feet.  I knew I loved Joel, but did I love him enough to leave everyone else I love?

I walked back out to the kitchen sat down on a stool and blurted out...