Can I do this?

“** July 2013**
But don’t tell Arianna.....”

That was the next text I had received.  Why did he not want me to tell Arianna?  She was one of my closet friends and confidants. 

I waited it out before I texted him back.  I must’ve looked distressed because Arianna came up to me and asked what was wrong.  I quickly hid my phone in my pocket and just shrugged it off as being tired, though I am not completely sure she bought it.  At the end of the day I texted Mark and told him the only time I had free was tonight.  He agreed to come pick me up and grab some coffee and go and talk.

I quickly packed up after my long shift and was heading out the door with Arianna. 

“So what’s going on with you today?  You seemed distracted and kind of avoided me the entire shift.”

 I looked at her and told her the truth.  I knew I couldn’t keep this a secret from her. 

“Um.. Mark texted me earlier today and asked to meet up.  He told me not to tell you and it bothered me that he said that.  I didn’t know how you would react.....”

She quickly interrupted me with the wave of a hand and said “look I just warned him not to hurt you, and if he does well he will have me to deal with.  Just go with an open mind, this is not the most ideal way to start a relationship, but sometimes it works out....”

I nodded and we parted just outside of the restaurant.  On my short bus ride home I kept replaying what she had said and what Mark had said. 

As I am getting dressed I received a text from Mark saying he would be there by 8pm.  Two outfit changes later, and trying not to over or under dress for the Indian summer we were having, I had settled on tight black jeans, black flats, a baby pink tube top and a light sweater over top.  I didn't figure we would be outside, and I could handle the cool evening just going from a coffee shop to the car.

I had finished up my light make up application and heard a horn honk outside and my phone chime with a text that he was here. I put on some vanilla perfume (most guys weakness) did a double check in the mirror and headed out. 

He smiled as I opened the door to his minivan, gently reminding me that he had a baby at home.  We proceeded to the local Tim Horton’s and he went through the drive thru.  I looked at him confused and he said “I thought we would go to the beach and talk, it might make our conversation a little less awkward and I have a lot to say.”  I nodded in agreement as I had a lot of questions for him as well.

We drove in silence to the beaches and he parked his car.  He looked over at me, and said “I can smell the vanilla you are wearing and its making it very difficult for me to stay on my side of the car.  I think you did this on purpose, you are trying to make this hard for me.”   He took a big sip of his coffee and turned to face me and proceeded to begin our conversation.

“Bella, you are a beautiful woman and I can’t deny that I am so attracted to you.  And I am sorry I pulled away, but Arianna kind of scared me she is very intimidating.  I don’t want to hurt you, but at the same time I don’t want to hurt Stacey either.  I have been with Stacey since high school; we have a baby together and a life that we've built.  But I can’t deny that I have been unhappy for the last few years.  We don’t sleep in the same bed any more and our bad times are now out weighing the good times.  And while I want to be with you, I will not leave Stacey until Justin is old enough to understand.  I will not abandon him and become a part time father.  So even if we decided to do this, it would not be a traditional relationship.  At least not right now.”   I was staring at him gripping my tea and not knowing what to say.  I turned and looked out the window of the van, trying to take it all in.  Mark reached over and caressed my knee “Bella talk to me.”

I turned back to him and looked at him, and began to respond “Mark I don’t know what to say.  I knew that you weren't happy; you've expressed that in many of the conversations we've had.  I don’t know where to go from here.  I mean I don’t want to be the other woman, I don’t want to be a home wrecker, and yet here I sit, with a man I am attracted to, discussing the possibility of an affair.  I mean we wouldn't have the traditional movie and dinner dates, but would you be upset if I went out with other guys? Would you react the way a boyfriend reacts?  How does this even work?”

Mark was taken aback by my admission of attraction, but a smile crept across his face and he said “it works however we want it to work.  I won’t lie to you and say that I don’t want you to date other guys, but I also can’t give you those dates.  But we will not figure this out in one night. We will take things slow and day to day.”  He gripped my knee and smiled, started up his van and said “let’s get you home.”

We were silent on the ride back to my place and I smiled at him as he slowed to a stop in front.  He looked over and smiled “I'm glad we talked about this, I will call you tomorrow.”  I nodded as I got out of his van and said good night.  He watched me walk to my front door.  I waved him off as I stood in front of my door and fished my keys from my purse.  I walked into my house and leaned against the door with a sigh. 

Could I really do this?