Ghosts of the past.....

** August 2013**

Arianna stood in shock staring at me.  She had only heard of Craig but never actually met him.  I was almost willing her to say something when my phone beeped.  I sighed and picked it up and it was Mark confirming tonight.  I did a face palm and sighed, I had enough on my plate with Mark let alone Craig trying to skulk back into my life.  Arianna put her hand on my arm in a comforting way.  Without saying a word I knew she understood.  I texted Mark back and asked for a rain check.  I needed to sort my head out; after all I was basically doing what was done to me to some other woman. 

Arianna was not one for being subtle “So wait.  That hunk of a man is the one who cheated on you with your best friend?”  I nodded and replied “not just once....but for months.  Monroe ended up telling me about it, I caught them in the loft and to top it all off his mother and I caught them on the day of the rehearsal dinner.  And long story short, he then had the nerve to blame it on me, saying I was becoming distant with all the wedding planning. And he had needs.”  I surprised myself with the fact that I didn’t cry over my confession.  I used to burst into tears when I had to recount that story to people, then go home and stare at my engagement ring and engagement photos.  Eat a pint of ice cream and cry myself to sleep.  However, I didn’t feel sad anymore.  I was finally over him, over us and what had happened.

*Flashback  June 2012*

Craig and I had been together for a little over 3 years before we got engaged.  He was so charismatic and handsome; 6’2”, solid build, dark brown hair and blue eyes....oh and did I mention he is Australian?! Yes HOT ACCENT!!

I had known he was a playboy prior to us getting together.  Craig was charismatic and with his accent could charm the pants off anyone (literally I would find out later.) I guess that’s why he was in advertising. We had met through my GBF (Gay best friend) Monroe, at Monroe’s “Moving to NYC, Bitches” going away party.  Even my BFF Courtney was drawn into his charisma.

Long story short, we had quite the hot and steamy courtship.  I was swept off my feet a year and a half later when he asked me to move in.  He had met my family; and had later divulged to me that he asked my grandfather for my hand.  It all seemed like a fairy tale, then 6 months later he took me to Sydney to meet his family and it was there that he took me out on a local beach at sunset and proposed.  It was a stunning ring with a platinum band, and a 1 carat diamond solitaire.  I was blissfully happy, for once in my life things had gone my way.

I had called Monroe first, who was yelling into the phone “I’m the best matchmaker!”  I laughed and of course asked him to be my Man of Honour, which he gleefully accepted.  My next call was to Courtney, who as soon as I said I was engaged was not as enthusiastic about it. 

We had set a date for June 20, 2013.  So I had a little over a year to plan the most perfect wedding.  Of course Monroe came back when he could to help me with the executive decisions.  Everything was going so smoothly, I didn’t even notice that Craig was changing.  Our sex life was dwindling, but I just attributed it to him working on a major contract for his firm, and me being tired from work and wedding planning, cleaning the apartment, etc.

**May 2013**

As the months went by, we tried to rekindle our relationship with a pre-honeymoon trip.  After much debate, we had decided to go to Punta Cana.  We just needed us time, no wedding planning, no contracts, just us and a whole lot of sun.  Our first day there we were back in sync with each other; right down to the amazing all night sex.  As I awoke the next morning I reached out to him, but found an empty bed.  Frowning to myself I sat up and wrapped the white sheet around my body.  Walking towards the balcony where I saw his shadow and heard him talking to someone.  I listened in on his conversation, well one side anyway.

“I miss you too”

“I will see you when I get back in town”

When I walked around the corner he quickly said “Gotta go” and hung up and shoved his phone in his pocket.

 

Leave the past in the past?

**August 2013**

Needless to say I had a hard time sleeping that night.  I had so much running through my head; was he being truthful? Could I do this? What if his wife finds out?  By the time I closed my eyes the alarm was blaring and it was time for me to get up for the early shift.  As I got dressed there was no text from Mark, and I found myself a little disappointed. 

I strolled into work and was setting up for breakfast and making sure everything was ready to go for the early rush of people.  At least Arianna wasn’t in, and I could avoid the questions at least for a few hours.  Mark had stopped shortly after opening to grab a coffee and a bite to eat (to go).  We made small talk at the bar while he waited for his order, but neither of us brought up the night before.   As he was leaving he asked me if he could see me tonight.  I nodded and blushed as Arianna had entered for her shift and smiled at him as he walked out.  I quickly moved to refill coffee cups before she could ambush me.

When I went to make a new pot of coffee she was waiting for me by the register “did you think you could avoid me? You know I need to know what happened.”  I smiled and said “We just talked, that’s it.  No hanky panky” and I proceeded to brew a fresh pot of coffee. 

She came and stood beside me “Bella, I am not judging you.   Hell I am the one pushing you two together.  You don’t see the way he looks at you, I do.  Maybe he just needs an ‘out’ so he can not feel like he is abandoning his family.” 

For once I had wished that was true, but he made it very clear he had no intentions of leaving his family anytime soon.  I just looked at her and nodded and then sighed to myself thinking ‘if you only knew.’  I looked over at her and said “mind if I take a 10 minute break? Can you cover for me?” She nodded as I proceeded to the back and grabbed my purse.  I went out into the alley way and dug to the bottom of my purse for my emergency cigarette; I’m the cliché friend who only smokes socially however today I just needed something. 

Leaning against the brick wall, I felt my phone buzz in my purse.  I thought maybe it was Arianna saying the boss was here and to get my ass back to work.   When I looked my phone I saw it wasn’t her or Mark, but a number I didn’t even recognize.  Shortly after I received a text message from the same number

 “Hey beautiful, how are you?  Long time no chat, I miss you.  Call me.”

I butted out my cigarette and wracked my brain trying to figure out who the heck this was.  In the back of my mind I was thinking it was probably just a wrong number.  I shoved my phone back in my purse and headed back inside.

My shift went by quickly, Lunch was an absolute zoo.  We were so busy that I didn’t even think about my phone or Mark once.  After everyone had cleared out and I was cleaning up my section, getting ready to end my shift, Arianna came over with a note and a big smile “Well someone is popular....first Mark and then a handsome stranger.  You holding out on me Bella?” she winked and walked towards a couple of business men who had come in for a late lunch. 

I looked down at the paper and wondered if Arianna was playing a practical joke on me.  I finished cleaning up my area and went to punch out.  As I was packing up my apron I opened the letter “You look more beautiful than I remember, I couldn’t take my eyes off you.  Please don’t ignore me, call me back.   Craig”

I crumpled up the note and threw it in my purse shaking my head.  I walked back out front and sat at the bar, Arianna got me a glass of diet pepsi “OK Bella spill it...who is he?”

I looked at her and said “he’s the whole reason I moved here.”  She looked at me shocked and I nodded.  “Wait a minute...that’s HIM? The one you were ....”

I nodded “The one I was supposed to marry.”

 

Can I do this?

“** July 2013**
But don’t tell Arianna.....”

That was the next text I had received.  Why did he not want me to tell Arianna?  She was one of my closet friends and confidants. 

I waited it out before I texted him back.  I must’ve looked distressed because Arianna came up to me and asked what was wrong.  I quickly hid my phone in my pocket and just shrugged it off as being tired, though I am not completely sure she bought it.  At the end of the day I texted Mark and told him the only time I had free was tonight.  He agreed to come pick me up and grab some coffee and go and talk.

I quickly packed up after my long shift and was heading out the door with Arianna. 

“So what’s going on with you today?  You seemed distracted and kind of avoided me the entire shift.”

 I looked at her and told her the truth.  I knew I couldn’t keep this a secret from her. 

“Um.. Mark texted me earlier today and asked to meet up.  He told me not to tell you and it bothered me that he said that.  I didn’t know how you would react.....”

She quickly interrupted me with the wave of a hand and said “look I just warned him not to hurt you, and if he does well he will have me to deal with.  Just go with an open mind, this is not the most ideal way to start a relationship, but sometimes it works out....”

I nodded and we parted just outside of the restaurant.  On my short bus ride home I kept replaying what she had said and what Mark had said. 

As I am getting dressed I received a text from Mark saying he would be there by 8pm.  Two outfit changes later, and trying not to over or under dress for the Indian summer we were having, I had settled on tight black jeans, black flats, a baby pink tube top and a light sweater over top.  I didn't figure we would be outside, and I could handle the cool evening just going from a coffee shop to the car.

I had finished up my light make up application and heard a horn honk outside and my phone chime with a text that he was here. I put on some vanilla perfume (most guys weakness) did a double check in the mirror and headed out. 

He smiled as I opened the door to his minivan, gently reminding me that he had a baby at home.  We proceeded to the local Tim Horton’s and he went through the drive thru.  I looked at him confused and he said “I thought we would go to the beach and talk, it might make our conversation a little less awkward and I have a lot to say.”  I nodded in agreement as I had a lot of questions for him as well.

We drove in silence to the beaches and he parked his car.  He looked over at me, and said “I can smell the vanilla you are wearing and its making it very difficult for me to stay on my side of the car.  I think you did this on purpose, you are trying to make this hard for me.”   He took a big sip of his coffee and turned to face me and proceeded to begin our conversation.

“Bella, you are a beautiful woman and I can’t deny that I am so attracted to you.  And I am sorry I pulled away, but Arianna kind of scared me she is very intimidating.  I don’t want to hurt you, but at the same time I don’t want to hurt Stacey either.  I have been with Stacey since high school; we have a baby together and a life that we've built.  But I can’t deny that I have been unhappy for the last few years.  We don’t sleep in the same bed any more and our bad times are now out weighing the good times.  And while I want to be with you, I will not leave Stacey until Justin is old enough to understand.  I will not abandon him and become a part time father.  So even if we decided to do this, it would not be a traditional relationship.  At least not right now.”   I was staring at him gripping my tea and not knowing what to say.  I turned and looked out the window of the van, trying to take it all in.  Mark reached over and caressed my knee “Bella talk to me.”

I turned back to him and looked at him, and began to respond “Mark I don’t know what to say.  I knew that you weren't happy; you've expressed that in many of the conversations we've had.  I don’t know where to go from here.  I mean I don’t want to be the other woman, I don’t want to be a home wrecker, and yet here I sit, with a man I am attracted to, discussing the possibility of an affair.  I mean we wouldn't have the traditional movie and dinner dates, but would you be upset if I went out with other guys? Would you react the way a boyfriend reacts?  How does this even work?”

Mark was taken aback by my admission of attraction, but a smile crept across his face and he said “it works however we want it to work.  I won’t lie to you and say that I don’t want you to date other guys, but I also can’t give you those dates.  But we will not figure this out in one night. We will take things slow and day to day.”  He gripped my knee and smiled, started up his van and said “let’s get you home.”

We were silent on the ride back to my place and I smiled at him as he slowed to a stop in front.  He looked over and smiled “I'm glad we talked about this, I will call you tomorrow.”  I nodded as I got out of his van and said good night.  He watched me walk to my front door.  I waved him off as I stood in front of my door and fished my keys from my purse.  I walked into my house and leaned against the door with a sigh. 

Could I really do this?

It was a mistake...

 **July 2013**
“It was a mistake......”

That is what his text said to me.  I almost felt like Carrie from SATC when she got that post it from Berger.  However I did not have a vase of flowers to knock over.  All I had was my phone in my hand, which I threw across the room.  Probably not my best idea but I figured with an otter box on, it would be protected. 

I could still hear it buzzing with more messages from him.  He won’t call or stop by, that’s not his style.  Everything has been on his terms.  And here is me, falling for it everytime, allowing him to dictate the rules.......

 

Here is some background.....

For many years I worked as a waitress.  I’m not necessarily a people person, which is kind of weird that I chose that for employment, but I loved the people I worked with and most of the customers.  I worked there while I was going to school and then just never left.  I think part of it was I was comfortable and part of it was him.....his name was Mark.  No he was not a fellow employee there but just someone who happened to frequent the restaurant.  I never took notice to him before, but after we had made some renovations, he came around a bit more and I started to take notice. 

Mark was not really my type at all.  I usually go for guys who are taller than me, but Mark was the same height as me maybe a little taller.  I am 5’3”, long brown hair and brown eyes, and I am a chubby girl.   I am not obese by any means, but I am not skinny either.  Mark was maybe 5’5”, short blonde hair and blue green eyes.  He was pretty lean when we first started talking, he was big into kickboxing, but over the years he started to slowly let himself go. 

Anyway, my friends at the restaurant started to notice that we were hanging out a lot and seemed to have a connection, but my friend Arianna was a little skeptical.  Arianna is the aggressive, no nonsense kind of friend.  Her and Mark had talked in passing but now she was starting to notice that there was more than just friendly banter going on between us.  So one day when I wasn’t there she was talking to him quietly on the side and asked him point blank “so what’s going on between you and Bella?”  He was kind of shocked that she was so point blank but I know not to expect anything less from her.   She was bound and determined to know exactly what his game plan was.  Arianna has a way about her that she could get a monk to talk if she needed him to.

After a little prodding on her part he slowly opened up and told her that he was in a “loveless” relationship with his high school sweet heart.  He went on to tell her that they had a baby shortly after graduating and he was basically only there because he didn’t want to abandon his son.  He went on further to explain that he didn’t have his dad around much when he was growing up and refused to let that happen to his son.  Mark expressed that he really liked me but didn’t want to hurt me, but he wasn’t looking for a one time “hit it and quit it” as he put it. 

Arianna knowing my relationship history and how vulnerable and often gullible I am, basically laid it all on the line for him.  “Don’t even think about hurting her, or using her.  She has had enough of that in her life, enough people using her, enough people just abandoning her and I will not stand by and watch you do it.  So you make sure this is what you want before you even pursue her.”  Arianna quickly called me and told me what had happened.  I was a little upset with her for coming on so strong but I trusted her instinct.  But what I wasn’t expecting was the silence I got from him.  He wasn’t stopping by as much, we had exchanged numbers and usually texted each other but it was silent on that front too.  I had started to wonder if he was scared off by Arianna.  Or if I had been made a fool of yet again.

I went about my day at work, chit chatting with the regulars and having fun with my co workers.  I had only texted Mark once since Arianna had talked to him, just a friendly text asking how he was and how things were.  But I still got nothing.  Part of me cursing Arianna and part of me thanking her for saving me from another heartbreak, I started to put the walls back up again.  Better single than sorry, that was the motto I had lived by. 

A week or so had gone by and my phone was lighting up while I was at work.  I went into the back and checked and it was Mark.  He was apologising for being so quiet but he wanted to make sure he knew what he wanted.   But he wouldn't discuss it on the phone......he wanted to meet for a face to face and talk.